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Relationship and communication

Relationship and communication

Are you a quick thinker?
Or do you notice yourself that it takes a lot of effort to let the other person finish?
Are you also at the Edge of your seat if you think you already know the outcome of a plea or story?
Don’t you regularly find out, if you’re honest with yourself, that the final conclusion of the speaker turned out to be different to what you thought it would be?

Listening and paying attention when doing so is truly the only way of being present during a conversation whilst not speaking. Take it upon yourself to only be present during a conversation in this way starting now.
Difficult!! Just you wait and see…

Why difficult? Because we learned from the beginning of our life we have to win, to survive. It means you have to be the stronger one, you have to take the role as the leader, no discussion but convince. You have to be the one who talks. The other one has to listen, has to follow, has to agree with your view. You have to be the winner, the other one has to agree or will be the enemy.

This is war, this is not  conversation, nor communication.
To communicate  at the level of understanding each other, we need rules, agreements. A good example you can find in a courtroom. To get all items clear there are strict rules. It means if somebody, a prosecutor or a lawyer  tells his view about the situation the other attendees just listen.
Without  rules it will be impossible  to get a clear view about the lawsuit.

So to get a clear communication  in your relationship you need rules, agreements, too.Perhaps it would be a good idea to insert a chapter about communication-agreements in the wedding-contract.
A contract in a contract.

Maybe it seems childish to make a contract about ‘talking with your partner.’It ís  important, because it brings home to you where relationships go wrong and it gives you a very strong resource to correct any possible errors. Correct yourself and let yourself be corrected without rancour if you don’t manage to keep to the agreements.
Being corrected doesn’t mean that you’re seen as less, it only means that you have difficulties abiding by that part of the agreement.

In such a case, correcting is a form of positive criticism.
Leeringly accuse one another of  ‘not keeping to the rules’  is a childish, immature game.




Checking your relationship


Checking your relationship.

Have you realised for some time now that maybe it’s time you had a good conversation?  A conversation where the negativity, even if it’s not that much, and your own thoughts and ideas are central. In order to deepen your relationship and to grown closer on a certain level.

Or…... Have you been living together for some time and are you starting to get annoyed by those things you thought were cute at first? That nonchalance, that boldness or maybe that independence, the non-decision making or always asking your opinion. Does one of you not realize that live and a relationship is about growth and not about maintaining some old lifestyle?
Are you a little bit afraid that you’re going to grow apart over time and that your relationship is going to end?

Or……. Is there talk of a real backlog of maintenance?

And here I mean that, after a number or maybe many years together, you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re really living together as strangers.

You both lead your own lives and togetherness is hard to find and costs a lot of effort to maintain. Maybe you or both of you thought ‘Why are we even still together?’ or ‘Life could be so much easier if I were able to lead my own life’. ‘Do we still really love each other or is even living together companionably a challenge?’

Or……Maybe another person has caught your eye and you’ve carefully, or not so carefully, gone outside of your relationship.


But how to broach such a subject and how to practically organize such a conversation?
You must realize that what you see is what you see. A lot of ideas about for example a husband or wife having an affair, is based on what you think you see. Talking with colleges, making  jokes or some fun, even sometimes dinner together for business, does not mean the husband or wife has an affair.
It is your fantasy which gives the load at what you see.
Ask yourself  ‘What makes a good relationship?’ And is your idea still based on old girls-movies or is it an grownup idea about real friendship, openness and trust?

When starting a discussion about what you think what is happening, the subject has to be screened before very honestly. What you think what is happening, is this just fantasy of your own, or is there really an occasion that proves your ideas are right.

During the conversation, you have to take care that you make clear that what you tell is only what you think there is happening. It is what you feel and the only thing you ask is to discuss about how it comes you feel like this.
An open discussion, not attack because that means defend what means attack what means defend…. And a war has born.

Openness is one of the most important rules, if you ask yourself ‘What makes a good relationship’.





The way to a happy relationship


The way to a happy relationship

To be able to live in our society, we are expected to learn a great deal. From the age of four, we go to school, where the norms, values and demands of our culture are programmed into us. We learn the basic skills of reading, writing and arithmetic. We study for a profession, and do additional courses, we specialize. We do everything to be a successful economic personality. We let ourselves get dragged along in competitions for the best entrepreneur, the youngest millionaires and the best Idol. We are schooled to ‘score’. Everything is thought of, not a cloud in the sky.

I am a relational therapist. Most of the people who come to our center  for help have more or less made it, they have a good job, a steady income, a nice house, a reliable car and mostly one or more  children. In other words, they have made it.
Yet still…. It appears we have forgotten something in our race . One side of our personality, is completely guided and trained to come up with the most attainable results for society. The other side of our personality is supposed to develop with ‘falling down and getting up again’.
Of course you can be very happy in and with a job. But what about our private life, our relationships? How are we schooled or trained for that? I think, basically, not or barely. A very important part of schooling we missed. How to build, and how to maintain a relationship.

Our life is a chain of relationships. The relationships with our parents, with the neighbours, the teachers, the boss, the government, and probably the most important , is the relationship with your partner. A partner can be a friend, someone you can always rely on, but also someone  you can lose touch with.
Do most partners ever think about how much maintenance a relationship needs to remain up-to-date? We know this about our computer or our car, but about our relationship?
Or ‘Isn’t that automatic? Isn’t our love strong enough to be able to handle that?’

Well, not in most cases and sooner or later, hopefully not too late for you, you run into problems because of the lack of knowledge and skills for the maintenance of a relationship.
The statement, ‘Our love can handle this’ has mostly  more to do with hope than with knowledge and skills.  Of course you can go on with falling and getting up again.  But I think people have to take responsibility also for that part of life,  the most important part of life.
‘What makes a good relationship’ is the centre question.  Agree?  Reading this article means you are interested in a way to learn how to get insight and the maintenance of a relationship.
As a relational therapist I wish you will really find where you are searching for: happiness…


happy relationship